There's nothing I've had to work at finding balance in more than trying to be a good mom.
It's tough! There's the fight between wanting to tend to your child's every need and really needing to pee or take a shower or work out or eat. You know that if you don't take care of yourself you will lose it. But there are all those people and "studies" that say if you let your baby cry at all they will lose brain cells and be stupid. And how on earth could I ever live with myself if I made my baby stupid?!
*Side note - that one study they did that one time with no listed number of babies and no listed amount of real hard data with no doctors names attached to it. Ya, that one floating around facebook and every natural birthing blog that I love. I think it's bogus. Just throwing that out there*
Then I look at my mom friends that have children that cried it out when they were X amount of months or years old that have great, well-adjusted children. I look at my friends that have colicky babies or had colic themselves when they were little. They all cried a lot and they aren't stupid. Huh.
There's that ever-fun debate about vaccinations. Do you want to make your child autistic or put them at risk of having a horrible disease that could possibly kill them? Do you want to fill your child's body with all sorts of preservatives and crap or leave them unprotected?
This is fun stuff folks. This is the stuff being a mom is made of. Especially a first-time mom. And you know that the greatest part is? No matter what you decide, people will argue with you and tell you why you are making horrible decisions as the parent of your child! You would think as a bunch of mamas that have all been sleep-deprived and trying to figure this thing out would be more supportive of one another and our decisions for our families - no matter how different. But unfortunately it's just not true! I've been praised and degraded for the decisions I've made for my children and for our family. By other Christian women and mamas and by the online crazies too!
It's hard to find balance. Balance in the advice of your friends and your family and the crazies. I'm learning this time around as a second-time mom that balance is key. I HAVE to let Laney fuss in her swing or her crib every now and then or I'll never get to read my bible. I have to read and inform myself as much as I possibly can and then prayerfully make the best decision for our family. I have to understand that other mama's choices may not be mine, but that's because their family and their children are different! And that's ok!! As long as all our children are loved and cared for, why do we care so much about the specific choices others are making?
I personally don't care about the specific choices that others make for their children because at the end of the day I am not left raising anyone's kids but my own. What I do care about are the parents going about as if they are an expert in a field or trying to discredit actual scientific studies... For example as you said, "*Side note - that one study they did that one time with no listed number of babies and no listed amount of real hard data with no doctors names attached to it. Ya, that one floating around facebook and every natural birthing blog that I love. I think it's bogus. Just throwing that out there* "
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to look very hard or for very long to actually access the research done or the analysis of the data. For an easy read on the actual research you said is 'bogus' maybe you should read this: http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/science-says-excessive-crying-could-be-harmful and then follow up by looking into all of the sources.
I don't care if you let your children CIO, or you vaccinate them but to make outrageous claims trying to discredit actual research is unfortunate to me. You want balance in motherhood, spend less time judging what others do and caring how others view you as a mother and spend more time getting to know who you are as a parent. It doesn't matter what people think and they don't need to know if you let your daughter cry- you and your husband are the parents make prayerful decisions together and stand firm in the choices you make and stop trying to affirm your decisions by relating to other Moms. Be strong in the choices you decide are best for your family. You don't need to defend them- but when you begin to make claims trying to discredit sources of information which are the basis of others parenting choices you are doing nothing but intentionally making waves. If you don't want people pointing the finger at you, you should do less of it. You will always have to deal with controversy when you are looking into the internet for your advice/guidance.
All of these studies are talking about "excessive" "Intense" and "prolonged" sessions of unattended crying. None of these are words that I'd ever use to describe babywise or the way in which we sleep train. Crying or fussing for 10 minutes and then being attended to by mom/dad and calmed down again does not fit into any of these categories. These sound to me like mom's locking their babies in their rooms for hours on end and not meeting their needs. The specific article I'm talking about does not site any more than that one study and it is easily discredited. I never said I was an expert. I said I THINK it's bogus. I'm entitled to an opinion and after researching it further that's what I've decided. The article is misleading mom's to believe that any amount of crying is psychologically damaging and will ruin their children forever. But the studies were not based on a child whose been shown a schedule first and adjusted to sleep and wake times and then had just periodic crying spells for 5-10 minutes.
ReplyDeleteSo this is whats bugging me about the interwebs lately :-) No one knows each other intimately enough to know the details! What some people do as CIO is not what others do as CIO. I've known mama's who are comfortable to let their little ones cry for the better part of an hour where you may not do it for longer than 10 min. On the flip side (you know I don't believe in CIO) people assume because I don't do it that it means I pick the kids up anytime they make a peep. Truth be told they cry sometimes but there is always a reason- like one of them is having a tantrum and I'll pick them up and say I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now but I cannot help you until you calm down and set them down and they will fuss for a bit self soothe and calm down and then come back to me to actually talk about it. The unfortunate part about parenting right now is that people feel that its their place to tell everyone when they think they are doing something wrong, just because it is different. I don't know about you but I would LOVE to go back to the time when my mother or grandmother were parenting- you know when people only offered opinions in person, if they were a trusted confidant and only when it was asked for?
ReplyDeleteYou are probably going to have to deal with lots of opinions like this even bringing up any parenting topics because people want something to argue about, but I think you handled it well. Love you B!
Thanks Jess :) And I agree. The "good ole days" were probably a little easier when it comes to other people's opinions on our parenting skills :)
ReplyDeleteTo my anonymous friend above. Just wanted to link this and share some real data and research with you. http://www.mybabysleepguide.com/2009/06/sleep-training.html